Childhood Trauma & Motherhood

What is Childhood Trauma?

Childhood trauma refers to experiences in early life that are emotionally painful or distressing and that overwhelm a child’s ability to cope. These experiences can include physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; neglect; witnessing violence; or enduring a household with substance abuse or mental illness. The impact of such trauma can be profound and long-lasting, affecting an individual’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being.

Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert in trauma and addiction (and one of my mentors and favorite humans!), emphasizes that childhood trauma is not just about what happens to a child, but also about what doesn’t happen. He explains that trauma can result from the absence of healthy emotional support, attachment, and attunement from caregivers. According to Dr. Maté, “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

Understanding Big “T” and Small “t” Traumas

To put this into context, childhood trauma can include what we often refer to as the big “T” traumas, such as sexual abuse, physical abuse, or the loss of a parent or caregiver. However, it can also include more subtle experiences that are often overlooked, sometimes referred to as the small “t” traumas. While these are on the DSM-5, I don’t agree with the limitations of them.

Big “T” traumas are significant events that are clearly traumatic and cause immediate harm to a child’s emotional and physical well-being. These can include:

• Sexual Abuse: Unwanted or inappropriate sexual contact or behavior.
• Physical Abuse: Intentional use of physical force that can result in injury.
• Loss of a Parent or Caregiver: Death, abandonment, or prolonged separation from a primary caregiver.
• Witnessing Violence: Seeing domestic violence, community violence, or other violent acts.
• Severe Neglect: Failing to provide for a child’s basic physical, emotional, or educational needs.

Small “t” traumas are more subtle and often accumulate over time, leading to significant emotional harm. These can include (but are not limited to):

• Sleep Training: Practices that involve leaving a baby to cry alone for extended periods, which can cause feelings of abandonment and stress.
• Dismissal of Emotions: Being told to “stop crying” or “toughen up,” which can invalidate a child’s feelings and teach them to suppress emotions.
• Emotional Neglect: Lack of emotional support, affection, and attention, leading to feelings of unworthiness and insecurity.
• Criticism and Comparison: Constant criticism or being compared to others can erode self-esteem and build a sense of inadequacy.
• Parental Overcontrol: Overbearing or controlling parenting that stifles a child’s autonomy and independence.

Manifestation in Adult Life as Moms

I want to focus on how these small “t” traumas can profoundly impact our adult lives, especially in our roles as moms. Here are some examples of how these early experiences might show up:

1. Difficulty Expressing Emotions: If you were frequently told to “stop crying” as a child, you might struggle to express your emotions as an adult. This can lead to bottling up feelings, which can eventually cause emotional outbursts or chronic stress. As a mom, you might find it challenging to validate your children’s emotions, inadvertently passing on the same pattern.
2. Fear of Abandonment: Experiencing emotional neglect or sleep training that made you feel abandoned can create a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This might manifest as clinginess or anxiety in your relationships. As a mom, you might overcompensate by being overly protective or anxious about leaving your children, even for short periods.
3. Perfectionism and Self-Criticism: Constant criticism or being compared to others can lead to perfectionism and severe self-criticism. As a mom, you might hold yourself to unrealistic standards, feeling like you’re never good enough. This can cause burnout and make it hard to enjoy the parenting journey.
4. Struggles with Boundaries: If you experienced parental overcontrol, you might struggle with setting or respecting boundaries. This can lead to difficulties in managing your children’s behavior or in maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. You might find yourself either too permissive or too controlling as a parent.
5. Low Self-Worth: Emotional neglect or constant comparison can erode self-esteem and foster a sense of inadequacy. As a mom, you might doubt your abilities, feel unworthy of love and support, and struggle with feelings of isolation. This can affect your ability to advocate for yourself and your needs, both at home and in your career.
6. Difficulty Trusting Others: If your emotional needs were not met as a child, you might find it hard to trust others. This can affect your relationships with partners, friends, and even your children. As a mom, you might struggle with delegating tasks or accepting help, leading to feelings of overwhelm and burnout.

Just as small “t” traumas can subtly shape our lives, big “T” traumas can have profound and lasting impacts, particularly if not processed correctly. Here’s how these significant traumatic events might show up in our adult lives, especially in our roles as moms:

1. Severe Anxiety and PTSD: Experiencing major traumas such as sexual or physical abuse can lead to severe anxiety disorders or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, and intense emotional distress. As a mom, this can make it difficult to manage daily stresses and can lead to hypervigilance or overprotectiveness towards your children.
2. Emotional Dysregulation: Big “T” traumas can disrupt your ability to regulate emotions, leading to intense and unpredictable emotional responses. This can manifest as frequent mood swings, irritability, or overwhelming sadness. In your role as a mom, you might find it challenging to provide consistent emotional support for your children.
3. Attachment Issues: Trauma involving the loss of a parent or caregiver can severely impact your ability to form healthy attachments. This can result in difficulty trusting others, fear of abandonment, or challenges with intimacy. As a mom, you might struggle with forming secure attachments with your children, affecting their emotional development.
4. Chronic Health Problems: The body often holds the score of unresolved trauma, leading to chronic health issues such as heart disease, obesity, or autoimmune disorders. This connection between trauma and physical illness highlights the importance of addressing emotional wounds for overall health. As a mom, dealing with chronic health issues can add an extra layer of stress and impact your ability to care for your family.
5. Self-Destructive Behaviors: Unprocessed trauma can lead to self-destructive behaviors as coping mechanisms. This might include substance abuse, self-harm, or engaging in risky behaviors. These behaviors are often attempts to numb the pain or escape from distressing emotions. As a mom, such behaviors can create an unstable environment for your children and perpetuate a cycle of trauma.
6. Interpersonal Relationship Challenges: Big “T” traumas can affect your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. You might experience difficulties with communication, conflict resolution, or maintaining intimacy. In your role as a mom, these challenges can affect not only your relationship with your partner but also your ability to model healthy relationships for your children.
7. Feelings of Worthlessness and Shame: Trauma can instill deep feelings of worthlessness and shame, impacting your self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings can make it hard to advocate for yourself and your needs, both at home and in your career. As a mom, this can lead to self-doubt and feeling inadequate in your parenting role.

The Path to Healing from Big “T” Traumas

Healing from big “T” traumas involves acknowledging and processing these deep wounds. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Professional Support: Engaging in therapy, especially trauma-focused therapies like EMDR, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), specialised hypnotherapy or somatic experiencing, can be crucial in processing and healing from significant traumas.
2. Building a Support Network: Surrounding yourself with a supportive and understanding network can provide the emotional support necessary for healing. This can include friends, family, or support groups.
3. Practicing Self-Compassion: Being gentle and compassionate with yourself as you navigate the healing process is vital. Recognize that healing is a journey and allow yourself the time and space needed to heal.
4. Developing Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Learning and practicing healthy coping mechanisms such as mindfulness, meditation, and physical activity can help manage stress and emotional responses.
5. Creating a Safe and Nurturing Environment: As a mom, it’s important to create a safe and nurturing environment for your children. This includes being emotionally present, providing consistent support, and modeling healthy coping mechanisms.

Healing from Small “t” Traumas

While small “t” traumas may seem less significant compared to big “T” traumas, their cumulative effect can profoundly impact our lives. Healing from these subtle yet pervasive experiences involves several key steps:

1. Recognition and Validation: The first step in healing is recognizing and validating your experiences. Understand that small “t” traumas are legitimate and can have a significant impact on your emotional and psychological well-being. Acknowledging these experiences is crucial to begin the healing process.
2. Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion by being kind and understanding towards yourself. Recognize that your feelings and reactions are valid and that it’s okay to seek help. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and care that you would offer to a friend.
3. Therapy and Professional Support: Consider seeking therapy to process and heal from small “t” traumas. Therapists can provide a safe space to explore your experiences and develop strategies for coping. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), specialised hypnotherapy, mindfulness-based therapies, and other forms of counseling can be particularly helpful in addressing these issues.
4. Building Emotional Awareness: Developing emotional awareness is essential in healing from small “t” traumas. This involves recognizing and understanding your emotions, as well as learning to express them in healthy ways. Practices such as journaling, meditation, and mindfulness can help increase emotional awareness and regulation.
5. Creating Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for healing. This involves learning to say no, recognizing your limits, and protecting your emotional space. Healthy boundaries can help you build more balanced and respectful relationships.
6. Developing Self-Esteem: Small “t” traumas can erode self-esteem and build on feelings of inadequacy. Engage in activities that build self-esteem and confidence. This might include pursuing hobbies, setting and achieving small goals, and practicing positive self-affirmations.
7. Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people who respect your boundaries and validate your experiences. Healthy relationships provide a foundation for healing by offering emotional support and a sense of security.
8. Reparenting Yourself: Sometimes, healing from small “t” traumas involves giving yourself the nurturing and support you may have missed out on as a child. This concept, known as reparenting, involves providing yourself with the care, encouragement, and validation that you needed growing up.
9. Mindfulness and Self-Care: Incorporate mindfulness and self-care practices into your daily routine. Mindfulness can help you stay grounded and present, reducing the impact of past traumas on your current life. Self-care practices such as regular exercise, healthy eating, sufficient sleep, and relaxation techniques can promote overall well-being.
10. Educational Resources: Educate yourself about trauma and its effects. Understanding the psychological and physiological impacts of trauma can empower you to take control of your healing journey. Books, online courses, and support groups can provide valuable insights and support. (Highly recommend Dr Gabor Maté’s books)

Practical Tips for Moms

For moms, healing from small “t” traumas also involves creating a nurturing environment for your children, which can include:

1. Modeling Healthy Emotional Expression: Show your children that it’s okay to express their emotions by modeling healthy emotional expression yourself. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and validate their experiences.
2. Creating a Safe Space: Ensure that your home is a safe and supportive environment where your children feel heard and valued. This involves being emotionally present, providing consistent support, and maintaining open communication.
3. Breaking the Cycle: Work on breaking the cycle of trauma by not repeating the patterns of dismissal or invalidation that you experienced. Focus on positive reinforcement, active listening, and nurturing your children’s emotional needs.

The objective around childhood trauma awareness and healing as moms is that we break the generational cycle!