EP59 Why Willpower Doesn’t Work (& What Actually Does)

Why Willpower Doesn’t Work (& What Actually Does)

If I had a dollar for every time a woman said,

“I just need more discipline,”

I’d be recording this from a beach villa.

Here’s the thing though:

Most of the women saying that are already drowning in responsibility.

They’re running homes, raising humans, answering emails, juggling WhatsApp groups, trying to keep some form of identity alive — and then blaming themselves because the new habit stack from Instagram didn’t stick.

Let’s talk about why.

The Willpower Trap

We’ve been sold this idea that change is a personality issue.

Disciplined people win.

The rest of us need to try harder.

So we set ourselves up with rigid plans:

• New routines
• New planners
• New apps
• New morning rituals that require 3 hours and a support team

For a few days, the high is real.

You feel organised. In control. “This is it. This is my era.”

Then life happens.

The kid gets sick.

The project blows up.

You sleep terribly.

Your cycle kicks in.

And suddenly the plan that looked so cute on Sunday night feels completely unrealistic by Wednesday.

Instead of questioning the plan, you question you.

“I just don’t have willpower.”

“I can’t stick to anything.”

“Typical me.”

This is the trap:

We keep trying to fix a nervous system problem with willpower.

And it’s never going to work.

It’s Not a Motivation Problem. It’s a Safety Problem.

Your brain is not designed for your goals.

It’s designed for your survival.

That means, before you ever think about:

• “Is this aligned?”
• “Is this productive?”
• “Is this efficient?”

your body is asking:

• “Does this feel safe?”
• “Is this familiar?”
• “Could this get us judged, rejected, abandoned, or overwhelmed?”

When you go to make a change — start working on your business, post online, set a boundary, ask for support — your nervous system runs this scan.

If it connects the new behaviour with past experiences of shame, criticism, failure, or overload?

It will shut you down.

Not because you’re weak.

Because your system is trying to protect you from pain.

So the things you call:

• procrastination,
• inconsistency,
• “self-sabotage,”

often aren’t character flaws at all.

They’re your body saying,

“This feels risky. Let’s stay in what we know.”

The Everyday Face of “Self-Sabotage”

Let’s make this real.

Maybe you’ve seen yourself in these:

• You sit down to work on something important… and end up deep-cleaning the fridge.
• You promise yourself you’ll go to bed earlier… then scroll until midnight because it’s the only quiet time you get.
• You’re “definitely posting content today”… but suddenly you have to re-do your brand colours first.

On the surface: avoidance.

Underneath:

• Fear of being seen
• Fear of failing
• Fear of succeeding and then having more pressure
• Fear of losing connection, approval, or control

Your nervous system is not thinking,

“She’s lazy.”

It’s thinking,

“Last time we did something like this, it hurt. I’m not keen to repeat that.”

And if you’re a working mom, there’s often another layer:

You’ve already been living in survival mode from the invisible load we spoke about in EP58. Your system is exhausted.

Of course you can’t power your way into a shiny new routine.

There’s nothing left to power it with.

What Actually Helps (When Willpower Doesn’t)

So if more pressure isn’t the answer… what is?

Here’s what I see actually working — for myself, my clients, and the moms in my world.

1. Start with safety, not “shoulds”

Instead of asking,

“Why can’t I just do it?”

try:

“What about this feels unsafe or threatening?”

“What am I worried will happen if I follow through?”

Maybe success feels like more responsibility you’re not sure you can hold.

Maybe visibility feels like opening the door to criticism.

Maybe resting feels dangerous because you were always praised for pushing through.

You can’t bully yourself out of fear you refuse to name.

Honesty is step one.

2. Regulate before you push

Trying to “push through” when you’re activated is basically nervous system whiplash.

Before you tackle the thing, give your body a tiny cue of safety:

• One long exhale
• A slow shoulder roll
• Feeling your feet on the floor
• Three things you can see, hear, and feel

It doesn’t have to be fancy or long.

You’re simply reminding your system:

“We’re safe. We’re here. We’re allowed to take this step.”

Repeated often, this is what turns scary actions into normal ones.

3. Make the goal smaller than your ego likes

If your whole body tightens when you think of your goal, it’s too big.

• Turn “2 hours of deep work” into 15 minutes.
• Turn “launch the offer” into “write down 3 bullet points about who it helps.”
• Turn “fix my life” into “do one kind thing for future me today.”

You’re not being weak.

You’re building evidence.

Evidence that:

• You can start.
• You can continue.
• You can trust yourself.

And that evidence is way more powerful than one dramatic, unsustainable sprint.

4. Change the script in your subconscious

Your mind responds strongly to the words and pictures you give it.

If you’ve been repeating:

• “I never stick to anything,”
• “I’m all or nothing,”
• “I always fall off the wagon,”

your subconscious takes that on as an identity.

Subconscious work — like hypnosis — helps you plant new scripts:

• “It’s safe for me to make progress, even slowly.”
• “I can stop and start again without shaming myself.”
• “I show up for my life in ways that respect my body.”

Paired with imagery and emotion, those messages become the new “normal” your mind starts working hard to fulfill.

5. Focus on identity, not streaks

Willpower is obsessed with perfect streaks.

Miss one day and it screams,

“Well, you’ve ruined it now.”

Instead, shift your focus to identity:

• “I’m a woman who takes herself seriously.”
• “I’m a mom who cares about her own wellbeing too.”
• “I’m someone who comes back, even after messy weeks.”

Then when life happens – because it will – you don’t spin out.

You simply return to who you already decided you are.

That’s how lasting change looks in real life:

Not clean and aesthetic.

Messy, interrupted, imperfect… but ongoing.

The Reframe That Actually Frees You

Here’s the truth I want you to carry:

Your lack of willpower is not the reason you’re stuck.

Your overloaded, under-supported nervous system is.

You’ve been trying to build a new life on top of:

• chronic stress,
• invisible labour,
• old stories about your worth,
• and zero real rest.

Of course you’re tired.

Of course you “can’t stick to it.”

Of course you’re not excited to add more rules.

The solution isn’t to shout louder at yourself.

It’s to take yourself seriously enough to work with how your mind and body actually function.

That means:

• Prioritising safety over performance
• Getting honest about your fears
• Taking smaller, more doable steps
• Allowing support – from people, from tools, from practices that calm your system

You don’t need to become a different woman overnight.

You just need to stop calling protection “failure” — and start working with it instead.

If your nervous system is fried and you have no idea where to begin, start tiny.

One breath.

One kinder thought.

One micro-step towards the life you actually want.

And if you want a simple tool to help, you can download my free 5-Minute Calming Hypnosis Audio – it’s designed to give your system a short, powerful reset in the middle of real life chaos:

👉 tanielstrydom.com/5-min-calming-reset-audio

Because you don’t need more willpower.

You need a body that finally feels safe to follow through.