EP62 The Guilt That Keeps Us Stuck: Motherhood, Work, and Self-Worth

If you’re a working mom, I’d bet a good amount of money that you felt guilty about something… today.

Maybe it was:

• Not making the concert
• Not answering the email
• Wanting to hide in your car for 15 minutes before going inside
• Ordering takeaway again
• Thinking about your own dreams when you “should” be grateful for what you have

For so many women, guilt isn’t a one-off emotion.

It’s the soundtrack.

And not a cute one.

Let’s talk about the kind of guilt that doesn’t actually help you grow – it just keeps you stuck.

The Two Types of Guilt (Only One Is Useful)

First, we need to separate two totally different things that both get labelled “guilt.”

Healthy guilt:

• “I snapped at my child and I don’t feel good about it.”
• “I dropped the ball on something that matters to me.”
• “I lied, and that’s not who I want to be.”

This kind of guilt is specific.

It points to a behaviour.

It leads to repair:

• Apologising
• Owning your part
• Doing better next time

Then there’s the other one.

Chronic guilt:

• “I should be doing more.”
• “I’m not doing enough for my kids.”
• “I’m letting everyone down.”
• “Who am I to want more?”

This kind of guilt is vague and constant.

It doesn’t push you towards repair.

It pushes you towards self-attack.

And it shows up even when you haven’t actually done anything wrong.

That’s the guilt I’m talking about here – the guilt that quietly runs your decisions, your calendar, and your self-worth.

How Guilt Shows Up for Working Moms

Let’s be honest about what this looks like in real life.

At work:

You sit in a meeting thinking about whether your child is okay at aftercare.

You leave on time and feel like you’ve snuck out.

You answer emails late into the night to “make up for” having a family.

You say yes to things you don’t have capacity for because:

“I don’t want anyone to think I’m not committed.”

At home:

You put your phone away to be present, but your brain is still at work – and you feel guilty about both.

You miss a school event and feel like the worst mom in the class, even if your kid is actually fine.

You feed everyone fish fingers and chips and then mentally create a seven-day kale-based penance plan.

With yourself:

You think about investing in help – a cleaner, therapy, coaching, childcare – and immediately feel selfish.

You crave rest but can’t enjoy it, because your brain gives you a running list of everything you “should” be doing instead.

You want more from your life – career growth, a business, more abundance, more you – and instantly think:

“Who do I think I am? I’m already so lucky.”

This isn’t you being overly sensitive.

This is what happens when your worth has quietly been tied to how much you carry and how little you complain.

Three Guilt Traps: Motherhood, Work, and Your Own Worth

Let’s break down three of the biggest guilt traps.

1. Motherhood Guilt: “I’m Ruining Them”

This is the classic “mom guilt.”

It tells you:

• Missing one event = you’re absent.
• Being tired or snappy = you’re damaging them.
• Choosing something easier today (screens, takeaways, early bedtime) = you’re failing them.

It completely ignores:

• The village you don’t have
• The pressure you’re under
• The fact that being a good mother has never meant being a perfect one

You end up overcompensating – doing more, saying yes to everything, trying to be all the things – and still feel like it’s not enough.

Because the guilt isn’t based on facts.

It’s based on an impossible standard.

2. Work Guilt: “I’m Not Committed Enough”

Work guilt tells you that:

• Any boundary is a problem.
• Any family priority is a risk.
• Any sign of humanness makes you less valuable.

So you:

• Answer messages when you should be sleeping.
• Take on tasks no one else will touch.
• Over-explain every time you have to leave at a normal hour.

You become the woman who makes everything work, quietly – and who quietly disappears in the process.

It’s not ambition that’s the issue.

It’s this voice that says:

“If I’m not constantly over-professional, I’ll be seen as less than.”

That is not a healthy career move. It’s a survival pattern.

3. Self-Worth Guilt: “I’m Too Much (and Not Enough)”

This is the hidden one.

It shows up when you think about wanting:

• More rest
• More help
• More joy
• More money
• More purpose

…and immediately feel wrong for wanting it.

You tell yourself:

• “Other people have it worse.”
• “I should just be grateful.”
• “My needs are extra, not essential.”

If your identity has been built around being the reliable one, the strong one, the one who holds everything up, then having needs at all can trigger guilt.

Not because your needs are unreasonable.

Because your brain learnt a long time ago:

“Love and safety = being useful and low-maintenance.”

Why Guilt Keeps You Stuck

Here’s the tricky part:

Your nervous system can get used to living in guilt.

It becomes familiar.

And what’s familiar feels “safe,” even when it’s miserable.

So if you:

• Rest without guilt
• Say no without a long excuse
• Own your needs and desires
• Put your work down at a reasonable hour

…your system might panic.

Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because it’s different.

Guilt has kept you in line for so long that anything else feels dangerous.

And when it feels dangerous, you’re more likely to:

• Go back on your boundary
• Take on the extra task
• Over-explain your choices
• Cancel the thing that was just for you

That’s how guilt keeps you stuck.

You stay in the same patterns because feeling genuinely okay with yourself feels unfamiliar.

How to Start Relating to Guilt Differently

You don’t erase guilt overnight.

But you can stop letting it drive.

Here’s where to start.

1. Catch the Exact Guilt Sentence

Instead of “I just feel bad,” get specific:

• “A good mom would…”
• “They’re going to think…”
• “I’m selfish because…”

Seeing the actual thought in words often shows you how dramatic and unfair it is.

2. Ask: “What Did I Actually Do Wrong?”

Imagine your best friend told you the same situation.

Would you honestly say:

“Yes, that was terrible, you monster.”

Or would you say:

“You’re being way too hard on yourself.”

Be honest.

If there’s real repair to do, do it.

If not?

You’re dealing with learned rules, not your actual values.

3. Notice Whose Rules You’re Obeying

When guilt shouts, ask:

“Who taught me this rule?”

Was it:

• Family?
• Culture?
• Religion?
• A specific person?
• A toxic workplace?

You are allowed to decide those rules don’t apply anymore.

You’re building a life with your family, your career, your nervous system, in this reality — not in someone else’s fantasy.